I have been non-monogamous for as long as I can remember. My first kiss, at age 12, was with a boy named Shaun, who I knew was also regularly kissing my two best friends. And it wasn’t long before I was kissing HIS two best friends. Before that, at the age of 10, I had a ‘boyfriend’ at school, who was also my friend Ashleigh’s boyfriend. At 16 I had two dates for prom (and ultimately fucked them both, in separate and excruciatingly awkward encounters, about two years later). Monogamy has never come naturally to me, non-monogamy always has.
The shape my non-monogamy has taken has evolved over the years, and it has not always been ethical. I spent close to ten years in a monogamous relationship, and I was a relatively prolific cheater for much of that decade. I’m not proud of it, I don’t feel good about it, but I can’t change it. In fact, I’ve cheated on just about every monogamous partner I ever had. Not quite all, but definitely the majority.
When I left my long-term partner in 2017, I made a decision that I was not going to live in deceit anymore. My next relationship would have honesty, transparency, trust, and no hurtful secrets. My next relationship would be open, and my next partner would know it from Day One. I wasn’t sure how I was going to find someone who would accept that, but I was not going to settle for anything else.
I met my spouse on a mobile phone game. We knew of each other for about two years before we ever had a real conversation. When that eventually happened, and it had become clear that we were interested in one another, I explained that if I had any hope of having a successful relationship with anyone it would have to be an open one. That I would need freedom to date, and sleep with, other people. That my partner would obviously have that same freedom. I told him that he was welcome to walk away right there and then, before we’d ever met in person, if that wasn’t a scenario that was going to work for him. He raised no objections, and our relationship developed, ultimately resulting in our marriage a little over a year later.
At first, I thought all I wanted was a variety of sexual partners. People who would meet physical needs, but to whom I would have no emotional attachment. In my years of infidelity, that was pretty much it all it had ever been – with only one exception. I dated a lot, had frequent sexual encounters with lots of different people. It wasn’t a bad time! It was actually a very good time. However, later on it became clear that a solely physical connection was no longer something I found fulfilling – I was going to need more.
I began dating with a different purpose, seeking emotional and intellectual connection, ideally in partnership with fantastic chemistry. Fucking is great, but I wanted romance and passion now, too. To be able to be with this person outside of the bedroom and enjoy their company, or to cuddle up post-coitus and let the endorphins trick me into thinking I was in love for a moment or two.
At the start of this year I realised that what I am looking for now is another partner. A fully fledged, committed relationship. My marriage is wonderful, it’s happy, it’s solid, it’s safe. I love my spouse more every single day. I have just discovered that I have the capacity to love someone else, too.
This realisation has been challenging. For a start, dating as a married woman who doesn’t just want sex is difficult. I am frequently perceived as a horny housewife (first of all, I have a full time job), who is a sure thing. An attitude I am met with with often is one of disrespect – I have a theory that this is because these men (and it is always men), think that I get the respect I deserve from my husband, so they don’t need to treat me well, too. I have felt discarded on more occasions than I care to mention.
Sometimes the problem is quite the opposite. There have been a couple of people I’ve met and we’ve both felt all of the great chemistry and connection. So great, in fact, that they decide they can’t see me anymore because I am married and they like me ‘too much to share’ me. Or, on one occasion, because it is sinful and would make Jesus really, really sad.
Some great advice I received was to stop dating monogamous men, and stick to the polyamorous community. I liked that idea in theory, although the one poly man I had dated with any regularity was a fucking idiot who didn’t deserve one woman in his life, let alone the three he had (there will be a separate post about him at some point), and I hadn’t been hugely attracted to the rest I’d encountered.
Happily, over the past few months things have been on the upswing! I met someone in late-September who I have been enjoying immensely. He’s non-monogamous, and has been great at communicating his boundaries with me. He is funny, smart, interesting, sensitive, respectful, honest, patient, incredibly attractive, and very generous in the bestowing of orgasms. He lives a couple of hours away and has lots of demands on his time, so I don’t see him as often as I would like, but he’s been great at making as much space for me in his life as he can. Things are going well, and I see the potential for something solid with him in the future – if and when the circumstances are right, and if it’s something he wants, too.
One of the interesting things about non-monogamy, for me, is that when I am happy and fulfilled in my other relationship/s, I feel more content in my marriage too. I guess that when all (or most) of our needs are being met, that contentment spills over into other areas of our lives. At least, that’s how it works in my case.
Speaking of my marriage, my spouse has asked that I keep that part of my life somewhat private and as such I will not talk about it very much in my writings here. This is what I will tell you: he chooses not to date other people, at least thus far, and we have almost no sexual relationship. I think that’s probably as much context as I need to provide.
Well, I think that does a decent job of summing up what this journey has been for me, up to this point. As I get more settled into blogging again, I definitely plan to write some individual posts about people I’ve dated and encounters I have had. I have plenty of dating horror stories that I would love to share, along with some really lovely experiences too.
Until next time.
Fat and Slutty 