Do you ever have days when you are just really self-destructive and toxic? I had one of those recently.
I had arranged a first date with the aerospace engineer, let’s call him Titus, the plan was: dinner, drinks, then back to his place if the vibe was right. He’s attractive and he lives 10 minutes from me, so from a convenience perspective I was optimistic. We have zero things in common, but sometimes that can work out, right?
Dinner was fine, conversation flowed well. No chemistry whatsoever, but I didn’t dislike him. I decided to go with him to his place anyway – maybe we would find some physical chemistry, that would be okay.
He set a fire in his wood burning stove and laid out a blanket and pillows on the floor in front of it, I liked that. He lit a joint and we smoked for a bit. He had two adorable dogs who, frankly, I preferred to him. But, you know how it is, I’d had some drinks, I was a little high, I didn’t find him repulsive, so I fucked him. It was fine. That’s all, just fine. I particularly disliked the way he kissed. Like a frog catching flies. Blep.
When we were finished, he got up without a word, walked to the room where I’d left my clothes, and brought them to me, then he went back to other room. Not a word. I dressed and followed, he said ‘I’ll walk you to your car.’ Ouch, okay.
I began to drive home, feeling incredibly discomfited. I decided not to go right home, and drove to the lake instead. I go there a lot. There’s an overlook where I like to park and listen to music and chain smoke. I checked my phone, there was a message from Jeff, aka The Artist (Part One, Part Two). He asked if I was free. And here’s where things got self-destructive… I told him I was. It was after midnight, and 29°F, and we had nowhere to go, but he decided to drive up to the lake anyway.
While he was on his way, he called me. He asked about my date. I told him it was underwhelming and disappointing, but that I’d fucked the guy anyway. ‘You fucked him?! Just now?!’ Yes, I did. ‘But, I’m coming to fuck you!’ Yep. ‘Did you let him cum inside you?!’ Yep. He was horrified. ‘What if I eat your pussy and I taste it?!’ That sounds like a you problem. ‘Is this your revenge?!’ No. Revenge would be letting you drive all the way out here and being gone before you arrived. This is just for fun.
And it was fun. He was visibly disgusted, but he couldn’t stop himself. I liked seeing him squirm. It did feel vengeful. The relationship I have with this man is a highly toxic one, and I have told him as much. I said a lot of things that night. None of them putting him in a positive light. It felt good. He has no power over me anymore, I’ve taken it back. He can’t hurt me, because I don’t care about him. He’s a plaything at this point. He doesn’t deserve to be anything more to me.
We fucked in my car for about three hours. It was the best sex we’ve ever had together. We went outside into the cold and fucked against a wall, and on a bench. It was primal. I was ANGRY. I felt release. I felt better.
When we were done we talked for a while, listened to music. He bitched about his on-again-off-again girlfriend and how she wastes his time, doesn’t appreciate him, takes advantage. He actually had the gall to complain about an evening where she had kept him waiting at her apartment instead of coming home like she said she would. At least you could wait for her inside, I said. He acknowledged his own hypocrisy, which was vindicating for me. At 4am we said goodbye. Perhaps for the last time.
If I never see either of them again, that would be just fine.
Fat and Slutty 