As this blog demonstrates, I have a fairly healthy sex life. Sometimes it is more healthy than others. The vast majority of the time, I practice safe sex. I am not on birth control (20 years of it was enough, I’m done), and therefore I insist on condoms for vaginal penetration. I’m less strict about anal (something I’m currently only doing with one person, in any case). Occasionally, on a self-destructive streak, my habits get a bit more risky. Which happened recently.
By the virtue of nothing more than dumb luck, I have only ever contracted one STD. Chlamydia, about three years ago. I didn’t have any glaringly obvious symptoms but something just seemed ‘off’. I thought maybe it was mild BV (bacterial vaginosis) and I got very into prebiotics and probiotics for a little while. They didn’t help, and after maybe a month of trying to understand what was going on with my pH, I went and got tested. I got a call a couple of days later to let me know that I had chlamydia and that I would need to stop by the next day to get some medicine to treat it. While I was there, they would also draw some blood to test me for HIV, since they had been unable to get any from me the last time.
Coincidentally, that same day I had an issue with my shoulder and went to Urgent Care after work to get it checked out. While I was there, I mentioned the chlamydia and asked if they would be willing to prescribe the antibiotic I needed for it. They were! I got the meds and took them. The next morning I went back to the Health Department for that blood draw. I figured I wouldn’t mention that I had already taken medication, I’d just keep whatever they gave me as a back-up dose, or to give to my spouse, who I had had sex with during the time I suspected I had the infection. And then the nurse handed me a pill, and a cup of water. Shit. I took it. Again.
I went to work and dealt with violent stomach cramping and diarrhea all day. It was rough. So, lesson number one of this post is: do not take chlamydia medication twice in 12 hours. It’s not a good time. It worked though – the next time I tested, I was negative.
Back to the present; the past few days, I’ve had that feeling of something being ‘off’ again. My vulva itched and burned like a yeast infection, but I saw none of the discharge I would expect from one of those. I felt raw, inside and out. This time, my mind went straight to STDs. So, yesterday I went back to the Health Department, just three months since my last test (get tested, people, and do it regularly). Since I was symptomatic I had to fill out an additional form with some very personal questions, such as:
- How many sexual partners have you had in your lifetime?
- How many sexual partners have you had in the past 60 days?
- Which types of sex have you had? (Checkboxes for vaginal, oral and anal)
- Are you having sex with a male who has sex with other males?
- Have you ever been sexually abused?
- When?
- What was the abuser’s relationship to you?
Fun, right? I filled it all out as honestly as I could. I don’t know exact numbers, but I gave it a decent guess. The nurse who saw me was lovely. We talked about my symptoms, possible causes, she offered a physical exam, which I accepted. I can’t see my own vulva, so I was hopeful that she might be able to at least tell me if she could see anything sketchy. I did forget to inform her that I have a genital piercing, which caught her by surprise – you know you live in Oklahoma when your sexual health nurse has NEVER seen a vulva with a piercing. WHAT.
Since I checked the relevant boxes to signify that I have indeed had all of the types of sex, she let me know that we would also be doing throat and rectal swabs. And that I would be collecting those myself. The throat one was fine, I gagged, but I think I got a decent sample. The rectal one was more tricky. As a fat woman with short arms and a girthy torso, access to my own asshole is somewhat limited as far as reach is concerned. I have found that the easiest way to insert anything is to lay on my left side and reach back and over with my right arm. I didn’t trust that the exam table was wide enough for me to perform this maneuver without me falling off of the side of it. So I lay on the floor. Mission accomplished.
The physical exam the nurse did was unremarkable. She strongly suspects I just have a yeast infection. I think she’s probably right. But let’s run those tests anyway! STD testing is important maintenance, particularly when you live the lifestyle that I do. I test 3-4 times per year. It gives me peace of mind, and it keeps my partners safe. Everyone’s a winner.
As an aside, I really liked my nurse! We had good chatter, it seemed like we were on the same wavelength. I don’t know, she just seemed like my kind of people. Is it weird to invite someone who has put a speculum inside you (in a professional setting) to get coffee? Inappropriate, right? I might ask her anyway, she was cool as fuck.
Fat and Slutty 