TW: Anxiety
Man. Hormones and serotonin levels are brutal, amirite?
I had such a wonderful weekend, then I had a lazy day on Monday, and went back to the office today. I was still riding the high from the beautiful time I got to spend with B. Untouchable. Until I wasn’t.
My work commute is approximately six minutes. It’s perfect because I get to come home for lunch every day and give my dogs a potty break. I’m currently driving a rental car while mine is having some work done, and today, when I tried to go back to work from lunch, it wouldn’t start. So, I spent the next two hours dealing with the rental company so that I could get back on the road.
Nothing about any of it felt stressful in the moment. But when it was over, it crept up on me. I stopped riding that high I’d been on and came crashing back to Earth.
This morning, I sent B a smiling selfie, telling him that smile hadn’t left my face since Sunday. By 3:15pm, I was tearful, overwhelmed, and unable to concentrate on my work. I’ve been feeling that way for the past seven hours. I checked the app I use to track my menstrual cycle, and of course, my period is due any time now.
I sent B a message asking him to call me this evening when he had time. Tuesdays are always busy for him. I texted again an hour later, saying I am struggling today and a chat with him would be helpful. I haven’t heard back. I assume that means he’s still at band practice. But I don’t know.
B never ignores me. If I don’t hear from him, there is always a reason. He loves me. Logically, these are facts that I know. But on days like this, the days when I struggle, I have to actively remind myself (or be reminded) of them. My anxiety goes through the roof when I wait for my phone’s screen to illuminate and for his name to appear on it. I get so anxious that it makes me nauseous sometimes.
This level of neediness feels unhealthy. And it isn’t the norm for me. When I’m not being affected by my hormones, I do not behave this way or feel this way. I usually feel strong and independent and fierce. But not today. Today, I feel weak, vulnerable, pathetic, and a liability. That is not who I am. PMDD Sarah is not the same person as baseline Sarah. It’s exhausting and frustrating.
I have to be so careful as PMDD Sarah. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust her thought processes. I don’t trust her decision-making abilities. This month has actually seen very little of her, but today is kicking my arse.
The purpose of this post was to help me get my thoughts in order and, frankly, to distract myself from waiting for the phone to ring. I don’t really feel any better, but I have a little more perspective.
Thanks for coming to my pity party. Bring snacks next time though, yeah?
Fat and Slutty 