TW: suicidal ideation, depression
Usually when I sit down to write one of these I know exactly how I want to start, what the first words will be. Beyond that, it’s just a sort of stream of consciousness that flows as I go along. This one doesn’t feel that way. I’m not really sure where to start, so I’m just going to dive in with the most shitty part and work my way out from there.
On Monday night my mental health took a dive. I found myself in the lowest place I’ve been in years. I had some very dangerous thoughts, which resulted in a call to Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
I spoke to a very helpful and empathetic woman who listened while I broke down. She patiently waited for me to catch my breath. We talked, she gave some practical advice, she made sure I was okay and we said goodbye.
Since then, I’ve had two therapy sessions, started taking an antidepressant, and got on a waiting list with a new doctor. I’ve been too complacent with my mental health for too long and it’s time to actively take care of it again. It will be a good thing.
This time of year is difficult. There’s so much pressure, finances are stretched, days are short. The absence of loved ones is more keenly felt. I haven’t put a single decoration up, haven’t felt festive, haven’t been interested.
However, it’s not too late. Today I was gifted the motivation I needed to pull the Christmas tree out and put the fucker up.
I used to work at an animal hospital. I left that job almost two years ago but I still take my own dogs there. Before I adopted my second dog I fostered lots of others, and a few of those still use the same vet. My favorite of all of my 25(ish) fosters was a sweet boy named Ruger. I loved that dog so much and his adoption was terribly bittersweet for me – though ultimately, of course, the very best thing that could have happened for him.
Ruger had an appointment this afternoon, and I got to go and see him. I had already been there, and driven home again, when I got the call that he was at the clinic. I asked if his owner could wait the twenty minutes it would take me to get back. Yes, she could. I hadn’t seen him in over two years.
His owner brought a Christmas gift for me, not knowing I would be there. It is a beautiful tree ornament with my beautiful boy’s face on it. Obviously I cried. There’s been a lot of that going around lately.
Ru knew it was me from the sound of my voice, before he even saw me. He was so excited, he ran to me and jumped on me and licked my face like he was making up for lost time. He is so happy and healthy and his life is so perfect. It was incredible to see him and to love on him.
Seeing Ru was a much needed boost to my serotonin level. And a very welcome reminder that I’m not a shitty person, or a failure, and I’ve done some good things. And there is more good left for me to do and be and see.
But first, I’ve got to dust off some decorations.
Fat and Slutty 