It’s done. T made a decision this morning to walk away from me for good.
He sent a long text that felt to me like he willfully misinterpreted what I wrote in my last post, put words in my mouth that I never spoke. A lot of ‘Sorry you feel…’. I don’t think he intended for it to be dismissive, but it was. Dismissive and reductive.
At first I was horrified, my knee jerk reaction was to beg for a phone conversation to discuss things further. I didn’t want him to go away. I didn’t want to lose him. He agreed to a phone call this evening.
I talked to friends about it, scheduled a therapy appointment for as soon as possible. I wrote a long, long response to him that I thought I might read aloud on the phone rather send as a text message. Explaining how his narrative was inaccurate, that his accusations were unfair and unjust. Telling him how much I love him and how hard I have fought to put my romantic feelings aside to allow a friendship to grow. I wrote a lot of things in that message.
And then, I realized there was no point. It wouldn’t change anything. He wouldn’t hear me, like he didn’t hear me before. He doesn’t want to. I truly feel he was waiting for his out, and me getting mad about Friday night was that out. And he took it.
So, I texted one more time and let me him know we don’t need a phone call. There’s nothing left to say. His actions have spoken louder than his words and it’s done. I said goodbye for the last time.
I’m devastated. This was not what I wanted. But I realized I can’t keep fighting for someone who won’t fight for me. I can’t keep pouring myself into a bottomless cup, who doesn’t want me anyway. I gave it everything I had, it wasn’t enough. And that isn’t because I am not enough, it’s because I am not who he wants. Not even as his friend.
And now I have to start piecing myself back together. Now the healing really begins. I suspect it will involve a lot of Adele songs. Also, B has been on my back for a while about taking better care of myself, doing things that will be good for my body. It’s probably time that I start listening to him. I’m also starting school in a week, my first educational pursuit in about sixteen years. And I’ll be continuing to engage with therapy for the foreseeable future.
Eventually, when I’m ready, I’ll probably look for a new partner. But that doesn’t need to happen right at this moment, and probably shouldn’t.
It’s time to fill my own cup. It’s going to be okay.
Fat and Slutty 