We are once again in the PMDD place. It’s not my favorite.
I stayed home from work today. Couldn’t face getting dressed, brushing my teeth, or leaving the house. I could barely face moving from my bed to the couch.
I’ve been thinking about T a lot. I reached out to him a week or so ago. We had a brief conversation. I told him I missed him, made an apology for my knee-jerk reaction in our last interaction, and asked if we could try again. Up to now, he hasn’t responded to that question. I suspect that he won’t.
I still feel deeply sad about his absence from my life. I miss him every day. I miss our adventures, trying new things, going to shows. I miss his touch. Most of all, I miss the way we laughed together. We laughed all the time. We laughed hard. He quickly became one of the most important people I had, and the void he has left behind feels so vast and empty. I badly wish he would come back, but that isn’t going to happen.
I am trying to move forward. It just feels so impossible right now. I loved him, still love him. I wish that had been enough, but it wasn’t, and I can’t change that. I’m trying to shift my thinking to a place of gratitude for what we had. When it was good, it was so good. We made some wonderful memories, and I want to be able to think back on them and smile. I’m just not there yet. Right now, everything is tainted with so much sadness. I still can’t look at the photos without breaking down, so I don’t look at all. We were so happy. I can’t face staring that loss in the eyes.
Sweet friends continue to check in on me, ask me how I’m doing. My stock answer has become, ‘just putting one foot in front of the other’. And it’s true. I’m shuffling through each day, one at a time. It’s all I feel capable of right now. It’s been a long time since I had my heart broken, and I don’t cope with it any better at 36 than I did at 18.
Today is a low point. I haven’t been sleeping well. Appetite still comes and goes. My hormones are fucking with me in a big way since I ovulated yesterday. I hurt physically and emotionally.
Today, I stood still and allowed myself to wallow. Tomorrow, I’ll start walking again, even if it’s in no direction in particular. One foot in front of the other.
Fat and Slutty 