Things with M are moving forward at a breakneck pace, and I could not be more delighted with this intense, whirlwind of a romance.
A few weeks ago we went on our first “official” date. M picked me up and took me out to dinner at the cutest, quirkiest sushi restaurant I’ve ever seen. When I opened the front door of B’s house to greet him, he was filled with the most adorable nervous energy. Big smiles, big hugs, heavenly kisses. He was clearly heavily invested in making sure our First Date was perfect. It was incredibly endearing.
The food was delicious, the company was even better. It feels like we have known each other our entire lives. We think the same way. We understand each other’s body language instinctually. I could not stop smiling as I sat across the table from him, watching him performing mental acrobatics in his attempts to win me over. He had already achieved that before we even walked in to the restaurant, I am all in. I don’t remember what we talked about specifically, only that it was effortless. I feel entirely at ease with him, no performances required. I just show up and be myself, and he fucking loves it. So much, in fact, that we said our first ‘I love you’s in the car after dinner. And we meant it. Direct eye contact and everything.
We went back to B’s house, his car was still in the driveway so we parked outside some apartments down the street and made out for a significant amount of time. Fuck, I love the way he kisses. It’s delicious and intuitive and attentive. Eventually we made it back to the house (B’s car was now absent) and made a beeline for the bedroom.
We began to fool around, and progressed to fucking with relative haste. Although our bellies had been fed, we were hungry for one another. The kissing was passionate, the eye contact was maintained, hands were everywhere. And then M’s erection went away, and it wasn’t coming back. This was not the first time we had experienced this phenomenon when in bed together, and I was unphased.
I spent the entirety of my twenties with a partner who experienced erectile dysfunction. I learned young that the behavior of a person’s penis is not a reflection of a person’s feelings or desires. ED is incredibly normal, common, and manageable. My ex partner took Viagra for years when we were together, and B takes it too. We have the technology, and it’s mercifully inexpensive (of course, because it’s for men…)
In the moment, when a person loses their erection (especially with a new partner) they can feel really fucking vulnerable and embarrassed, or even ashamed. There is nothing shameful here, just bodies being bodies. Of course, I reassured M of this, along with the fact that he had already given me several orgasms. I was not neglected or unsatisfied at all. Quite the opposite. I also did not feel that he wasn’t attracted to me, he very clearly is. I reassured him of that, too. I let him know that this was not a big deal for me, that I was just happy to be with him, and that being together did not need to consist solely of penetration. He was frustrated, obviously, and I’m sure the busy bees in his head were putting in some overtime, but he seemed to accept my words and actions and he relaxed.
We snuggled up together, back in our blissful bubble of affectionate words and touches, now adding the L word to our romantic shared vocabulary. I do love this man. This is real, I am positive of that. We think and love so similarly that it feels entirely familiar. He feels like home, and it’s not just because he’s from where I am from. He feels safe and peaceful and yet his presence in my life has been transformative in the best possible ways.
Since that first date, we have gone from strength to strength. Talking constantly, sharing beautiful words and songs and ideas. We have both leaned into this completely and without hesitation and it is something truly special. Last night we had our first overnight stay, which I will write about next time.
I am deeply in love, and I can’t adequately express just how full my cup feels right now.
Fat and Slutty 